sometimes it's not what you say...

it's how you say it.

Never underestimate the effect of your tone of voice or the manner in which you say things. Something said in a neutral or nuanced tone might not mean much but add a little condescension, a hint of snarkiness and right (or in this case, the wrong) facial expression to it and suddenly those very same words will bite, cut down your credibility and insult your intelligence.

Let me give you a real-life example: My boss can be the most easygoing guy most days but there are times when he can come off as a complete jerk. A few days ago we sat down in his office and he gave his comments on some work that I'm doing. By the time I left his office I was fighting back tears. In a manner of minutes, his had delivered his assessment in the most patronizing and dismissive manner that left me feeling like pond scum. Not just regular pond scum, but pond scum made of a single cell and incapable of processing higher thought. And it wasn't as if I had actually done anything wrong - it was a simply a matter of difference of opinion.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about my co-worker who flies into fits of rage from time to time. Although I still stand by my opinion that such physical displays of anger veer on the side of being unprofessional, I can certainly understand her frustration. Since I’ve moved my desk closer to the window (and as a result, next to her desk, something I was initially terrified about) I’ve actually gotten to know her a lot better and have been a witness to the detrimental and accusatory manner in which my boss addresses her. Somehow he’s been made to make a simple question like “Didn’t you finish that report?” completely disrespectful. Perhaps the worse thing about it is that he’s totally unrepentant and won’t acknowledge how hurtful and detrimental his words can be, which, in my opinion, just makes things that much more worse.

I guess I just want to say that we have to be sensitive about how we say things and how it might be perceived by the other parties. To be able to pause and evaluate how you’re going to express something says that you value the person to whom you’re talking to, you understand that they too, have emotions, and that you respect that. It’s something I’m working on, too.